does anyone else feel like anyone you have ever cared about, you care and love them so much and they don’t feel exactly the same? when it’s all said and done, you think of them so highly still and miss them so much and you get the feeling you don’t even ever cross their mind.


tear stained pillow

it’s nights like these that make me kick myself for getting rid of them.

i would get triggered or upset just like i am tonight, & take one so that i could sleep

i just want to sleep

i don’t want to think about this stuff anymore

i want to sleep

i am begging please let me sleep

it hurts

too many bones

you give me the bare minimum

the quiet treatment

the “my life goes on and i really don’t care if you’re in it” treatment

did you think i’m part canine?

everytime you throw me a bone i would go for it, right?

you can’t

people can’t

what is it called, when…

ignore my existence for awhile

randomly there you are with something nice to say, like nothing happened

there’s an i miss you bone

a how are you bone

a you’re incredible

but the i love you bone is the most confusing of them all

surely such powerful words mean something, right

it MUST be true

but that’s where i’ve been wrong

you thought you’d keep me around with the bones

i will love myself so much more and i’ll mean it Cliche cliche

i’ve fetched all the bones i can fetch

no more fake bare minimum

say it again

yesterday morning when we were rushing out of your house, so you weren’t late for work

you hugged and kissed me and quickly said something that sounded like “i love you”

i didn’t think twice and quickly, naturally, replied. 

“i love you too.” 

i was walking to my car, feeling satisfied, then puzzled

did he really say that? 

i wondered about it the whole day…

then when you came over later that night, we were outside, and you said it again 

i couldn’t help but freak out 

i said, 

“did you just?”

“can you say that again?”

blushing and laughing and freaking out

“i’ve been trying to figure out if that’s what you said this morning ALL DAY” 

you were laughing at me 

“please say it again” 

can’t stop smiling 

smiling in between maybe 10 kisses i said, 

“i love you too”

i’ve been waiting for this, as crazy as it sounds

i have known i loved you since i saw you and didn’t even know your name 

when i found out your name i loved you more 

when i heard you say mine i loved you more 

i love you for making me feel the happiness thats existence i started questioning

this is what the sky looked like when you told me you loved me 

did it hit me yet? 

remember sophomore year of highschool when i was addicted to them and i stopped all by myself 

i even went through the withdrawals

even fought through the desperate times i wanted it

well sometimes i did 

but this time is different 

i haven’t taken one in so long, i don’t remember the last time i did 

ive been carrying them around, refusing to get rid of them

moved from place to place, always taking good care of those little white things, “can’t misplace those” 

i always knew where they were. 

the very comfort of having them available for….

 i didn’t want to care..

what are they for? 

i don’t know why i’m like this.

nothing is wrong, 

can’t be alone, can’t be sober, don’t like to care 

everything i think about is TOO much 

why don’t we have those talks anymore? why do i tell you stories already knowing you don’t want to listen to me? 

why do i think about the people i loved forever and ever and they don’t remember me? why is everything so much more important to me. 

why do i feel what they feel with such magnitude it makes me sick 

i have bruises all over 

 it’s a visual representation of how fucked up im treating myself

it’s a mix between i want to starve myself n overdose – and i want to love my body and stay here 


it’s so hard 

am i high yet? can i sleep yet? did you tell me you hate me yet? 


it’s okay to be young, you’re showing me that

i’m supposed to love myself, you’re showing me that 

life is liquor, laughing, watching the office and broken beds, traveling, fashion, music, peeing together at parties, and jobs that realize your worth. take opportunities. 

the first time we snuck in your parents house, remember your room was so cold

you sent me a picture a few days later telling me i’m so cute when i sleep, because you cared enough to take one

i loved that